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 Laugh! - Funny Stories

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Crackpotmark
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PostSubject: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Wed 14 Jan 2009, 11:35 am

Just a place to share anything that makes you laugh...

Mother lacks a green thumb, but she keeps at it. Pointing one day to a line of new plants by the kitchen window, my sister whispered to me, "look - death row."


A Quiz Show:
Presenter: What is the name given to the medical condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
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monodemono
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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Sun 15 Feb 2009, 4:06 pm

So a banana walks into a bar... LAUGH BITCH! Razz
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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Mon 16 Feb 2009, 3:30 pm

Funny but embarrasing story of my life, when I was in like grade four or five, I was learning to ride a bike, I was about 2 weeks in riding once every two days and near my house there was this downhill ish part where it was a kinda tight corner. Soo I went down full speed, and there was this person in the way sooo I turned and crashed strait into a telephone pole and the bike stopped and I went flying forward and hit the part of the steering wheels that kinda came forward and then the actuall handels went back a little, anyways hard to explain. I ended up getting my nuts bruised and swollen I went to the doctors and he siad that they might need to do surgery, but luckily I didnt need it, then two days after the bike incident I got sacked at school.
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monodemono
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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Mon 16 Feb 2009, 3:40 pm

Not funny, just horifying!!! T_T
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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Tue 17 Feb 2009, 9:26 am

This one time when i was in kindergarten, i was going to the bathroom and we had this little bathroom inside the room. Like a dumb kid i forgot to lock the door and it swung open! and everyone saw me and started chanting he's going poo, he's going poo. so it was pretty embarrassing.
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monodemono
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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Tue 17 Feb 2009, 12:40 pm

That's epic.
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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Sat 21 Feb 2009, 2:45 am

Lol. I remember a few years ago, some of my buddies were playing airhockey. But then, the puck suddenly flew up in the air directly towards me. I tried to avoid by doing a matrix move thing, AFTER it had done a headshot. So, I flew backwards and landed back on the floor screaming "boom headshot!". I wish someone taped that. It was hilarious.
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theSeraph

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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Mon 02 Mar 2009, 2:33 pm

So, we're out to eat at this nice local restaurant the other night. It's got a little kid's area which also contains a red sportscar (you put in coins and it makes noise and rocks forward and back). We'd given the kids change to go play, right? Right. We look up a moment later to see Pooka and Mei Mei are in the car. Mei Mei is 'driving' and Pook is sitting on the back of the car posed like a supermodel-in-training, laughing it up. Des of course tells her to get into the car and not lean out.

Never one to pass up an opportunity to point out how similar she and her mother are, I say, "this? from you? You who frequently will unbuckle your seatbelt, roll down the window, lean bodily out of the car, arms outstretched, playing superman?"

Des' response you might wonder?






"That's different. I'm an adult."






I couldn't stop grinning.
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VQuesadilla

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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Mon 02 Mar 2009, 4:17 pm

That was so funny.
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theSeraph

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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Mon 02 Mar 2009, 4:37 pm

*grins*

She was so serious when she said it, too!

my cute desi-creature
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Feiniel

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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Mon 02 Mar 2009, 4:38 pm

That really cute man!

Well speaking of leaning out cars...

Setting:
So in high school, the WestBank Band Geek kids basically were stationed into two cars (In other words, outta the people in the Band program, those who lived on the WestBank rode in either one of two cars). In the first car was the Krew (John, Andrew, Evan, Rudy, and Marc), the hoodlums of the band, and in the second car was the reject-badass-anime-freaks known as the Loser's Convention (Nolan and Myself). Well the Krew had their fun of stealing random items, these items would be from flags to rode cones. As they would get onto the HOV lane out of New Orleans, they would take out all of their collected flags and hang them out of the car, while going about 70 mph. Well Nolan and I wanted to have out fun, yes to copy off of them. We collected out materials, whatever we could find, including trash. Now both of these cars were used and crappy. Once the Krew saw what we were doing, they immediately declared war on us. This meant that whenever they saw us, and we saw them.... Cans, notebooks, cups, boards, etc. were thrown out of each car to hit the other. Many times it became the LC's point to ghost the Krew, and every time was a success (as in, watch where they went, passed em up very quickly and throw everything at them be4 they noticed)!

Now the plot thickens!

The train blocked out way of getting home, only one way to avoid the traffic, take the wharf! The Krew only a minute ahead of the LC. We caught up with the Krew and saw an opportunity to stick them in a corner and wail on their car! See, there was another train that blocked out way of exiting the wharf. On one side, the wharf led to a 10 foot drop into water, the other side a 5 foot drop onto ground (with train tracks). Everything goes as planned, We block them in! Another win for the LC! Me being the passenger, lean out of the car and start hitting the bumper with a dust-mop handle. Rudy did not like that very much, so he gets out of the car with a board. Nolan, being the evasive one he is, backs up the car! His backing up skills successfully puts us back onto the wharf. Rudy running like hell to catch up with us. Me still leaning out the car, trying to hit Rudy. Nolan then looks forward at Rudy. I, after seeing that it is no use to try and hit Rudy, sit back into the backwards moving car. As we both see it's no use backing up... then ... see... that there should have been no use backing up anyway. There was a bump, and a scratch noise... Nolan and I look at each other like "huh?!" Then we notice how the world... turns... and tilts... Yes, we went off the wharf! I turn to look at where we were falling. Thankfully onto ground. I brace for impact as i place both hands on the door frame. BAM the car hits the train tracks bellow. We both sit still, any slight movement can send the car on top itself. After it settles, I see Nolan undoing his seat-belt... Sends him falling onto me. Rudy's outside the car freaking, just milli seconds before, I was hanging outside the car! Now I'm in the car with a large male on top of me squirming, the car resumes it's shakes. I finally squeeze my way out the car, and Nolan follows me out.

We were greeted by the rest of the Krew. Nolan and I look back at the damage, our masterpiece. A fellow WestBank resident also thought of the same idea of passing up that train. He seems to have had a happy day, we all waved at him, he smiled and waved back as he got closer. Suddenly his face changed to shock as he saw the marvel itself.

We all look back on that day and smile. Respect was gained! And I started respecting life a bit more!
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VQuesadilla

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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Mon 02 Mar 2009, 4:51 pm

And now you're too cautious and dont have fun anymore
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Feiniel

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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Mon 02 Mar 2009, 5:02 pm

Very Happy
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theSeraph

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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Tue 03 Mar 2009, 1:08 pm

And now for the cuteness...


So, some time back des and I went down to the beach, hung out, ate ice cream, held and petted baby white tiger cubs, and ate at a japanese steak house.

While we were eating our salad/appetizer, we noticed there was japanese writing on the inside of the bowl. Desi could read the characters enough to pronounce the word, but it wasn't something she was immediately familiar with (not having actually spoken/written the language in several years can do that). So, she asked the waitress... who of course didn't know.
So, a little bit later, the owner comes over. She's this cute little old japanese lady. Ok, maybe not that old, but older than us in any case. And she asks if we were the ones asking about "x" (where X is what was written in the bowl). She of course asked about our language ability, we briefly explained that des had been tutored by a girl from japan while we were all in college/university/grad-school. And then we pointed out the hiragana we each have on our backs.
In case you didn't already know, desi has the characters for dorei (property, slave, servant) on her spine and I have the characters for nushi (owner, lover, god) on mine.
So the little old Japanese lady reads out backs, and points to mine and says 'that good. nushi good. this... (pointing to desi's back) not so good.' At which point desi had to say, 'no no, but see, I belong to him. I'm his' (as if the collar on her neck didn't tip things off a little), to which the little old japanese lady smiled and said 'oh, that better. that fine then. still not so good but not bad. not bad'
We all smiled and laughed and she said to enjoy our meal and she left the table.
At which point desi suddenly replayed the whole conversation in her head and proceeded to turn bright red and hide her face on my shoulder.

I'm still teasing desi about it.
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Feiniel

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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Wed 04 Mar 2009, 7:19 am

hahaha
It's awesome to have delayed dawnings!
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theSeraph

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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Wed 04 Mar 2009, 9:59 am

When we lived in Kansas some years back I was constanty fielding spiders out of the shower/bathroom and ushering them outside in a little plastic yogurt cup (it had a lid!). Anywho, one night we had some friends over... one of them a true arachnophobe. My wife heads to the kitchen to get some drinks for all of us. She steps out of the kitchen a moment later, closing the door behind her. "Doug," she says, rather too calmly, "there's a big spider in the kitchen. Can you come and get it." "A big spider, eh," I quip, being used to "big" spiders in the bathroom that are about the size of my pinky nail, "alright, I'm coming."


Figuring its one of those little (to me) spiders, I head to the kitchen. "Hey, where's the spider cup," I call out. Before I get a reply, I spot the yogurt cup on the counter and figure that she left it out for me. "Nevermind," I quickly call, "found it...," and then softer, more to myself, "Now, where's that . . . "


I stopped. I was staring at the floor. The spider was staring at me. Now, this was no normal little bitty house spider. This was a monster. It looked much like a wolf-spider - large, hairy, tan with some dark stripes. But it was huge! The grandfather of all wolf spiders! How could I tell? Well, it was sitting next to my shoe... it was as big as my shoe. Yes, it was about 10 inches long, or about as big around as a dinner plate. I looked at the 'spider cup' in my hand, and then down at the spider again. My plan needed some re-evaluation.


I left the kitchen, closing the door behind me and silently cursing the fact that our 'kitchen door' was one of those plastic accordian doors from the 60s with an inch-high gap at the bottom and top. As I entered the living room, my wife said, "did you get it." I muttered something under my breath, then spat out "Where's that empty tub of cheese balls?!" I hoped that the gallon-size economy tub would be large enough to capture the beast that lurked in our kitchen. My wife pulled it (the tub, not the spider) up from behind a chair - our guests stared at me as if I was trying to pull off the worst practical joke in the history of mankind. I went back to the kitchen.


Once again facing down the beast... and yes I was scared... I was trying to figure out exactly HOW I was going to get the tub over it without pinching off one or more of its legs and then how on earth I was going to be able to get the lid up underneath. As I approached it, tub in one hand, lid in the other, it saw me move. It leaped up, spinning, standing up as tall as it could on its eight muscular bands and staring me in the eyes.


I panicked. I admit it. Although I did not, in fact, scream like a little girl, I did indeed panic.


I dropped the cheese-ball tub. It made a loud, resounding metallic crash on the kitchen floor. The spider, seeing the movement and hearing the noise, leapt and spun again, this time facing the cheese-ball tub. Heart pounding, gasping for air, my mind raced. I realised that since spiders respond to sound-waves/motion I could perhaps stomp around near it (because there was no way in heck I was going to actually put my foot where that thing could suddenly decide to scuttle up it, scaling my legs and torso to sink its monstrous fangs into my neck) and perhaps chase it out of the house. So, I proceeded to make like an Irish dancer and clog all around the backside of that spider.


Out in the living room, my wife (knowing how big this spider was) and our guests (who didn't know, but perhaps were beginning to realize how serious this was by the look of horror on my wife's face) simply heard a loud metallic crash followed by a lot of thumping. My wife later told me that she thought the spider had killed me and that I was in the kitchen kicking around in my death-throws. But did she come to check on me? Nnnooooooooooo! Loving partner, indeed.


Anyways, back in the kitchen I have since "persuaded" the horrid beast to vacate the house proper and exit onto the back porch. Now, this was a problem in and of itself. The 'porch' was a sort of shabby add-on from the early-70s (perhaps) and was our main means of entrance and egress from our humble abode. Too, the window for our bathroom looked out into the porch (that's how I always figure those little spiders got in). Three, the back door from the kitchen and the porch door to the yard were in a straight line. The spider was sitting between them. I was standing by the not quite closed kitchen door. Clearly I had to stomp around the spider some more to get it to leave the house. However, I couldn't quite figure out a way to open up the back door AND stomp around behind the spider at the same time. While I pondered this the spider decided to take matters into its own pedipalps... it made a break for the porch door after catching it's breath and SQUEEZED right underneath it.


See, the weather-stripping for the bottom of the porch door wasn't nailed down, and as such it would always pop-out. Thus we just had it sitting on a shelf instead of in the door. However, after seeing that huge friggin spider squeeeeeze underneath I quickly flicked on the porch light, grabbed the weather-stripping, and (after peeking carefully out to make sure that big and hairy was truly gone) I slapped that piece of rubber back into place.


Then I went striding confidently back inside to bask in adoring and loving glow of my wife.


It wasn't until years later that I found out that the part of Kansas in which we lived was fairly common territory of a certain species of tarantula... that are basically nocturnal and can travel pretty big distances in search of mates.


The moral of this tale is varied:
Men, when your S/O tells you that there is a BIG spider in the house... believe her!
Homeowners, do NOT neglect the doors to your house. A little bit of time can prevent all manner of intruders from entering your home.
Women... ok, I got nothing here. You lot are fine as you are.
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Feiniel

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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Wed 04 Mar 2009, 12:53 pm

So this one time at work...

My Boss' husband was over to fix the coffee maker, she decides while he's fixing that to call up about the ice maker (Yes it was broken as well). So while she was upstairs on the phone with the people, she pages us from the office phone (office to cafe). She asks her husband "What's the Model number of the ice maker?" Which he humbly replies, "P.O.S. 3000." One would think that it's obvious. NOPE! We overhear my boss saying "P.O.S. 3000 over the phone." There was dead silence, everyone's face was turning red, not to bust out laughing. Then she comes back "OH RALPH!" We laugh!
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VQuesadilla

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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Thu 05 Mar 2009, 9:07 am

oh seraph you made me laugh again.
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theSeraph

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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Thu 05 Mar 2009, 7:45 pm

It's a true story, VQ!

That spider was huge. And des didn't come to check on me dying or anything! *sniffsniff*


Anywho... i'll dig up more stories later.
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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Fri 06 Mar 2009, 7:09 am

I want a tattoo that has feiniel's ownership
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feiniiielllllllll i want a tattoooooooooo
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Feiniel

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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Fri 06 Mar 2009, 12:29 pm

then this summer we will get ones that mimic desi and doug!
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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Fri 06 Mar 2009, 5:02 pm

I'll have to get des to get pics of our backs with the tats and all
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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Fri 10 Apr 2009, 6:47 pm

All of you have probably heard this.. Whatever.

I was listening to some music on my cellphone, using my earplugs. While browsing some menus, I accidentally click the FM Radio icon. The music stopped for a second, and the next thing that gets blasted through my ears: "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.."

I was rickrolled by myself, my cellphone, and a radio host at once.
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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Wed 05 Aug 2009, 3:00 am

Oh lawd.

"My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit."
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PostSubject: Re: Laugh! - Funny Stories   Thu 06 Aug 2009, 7:32 pm

*chuckles*

Cute VQ.

But Velma was cute; definitely not a 0 on a scale of 1-10. And des likes hardware stores too... does that mean she's a lesbian? O.O no one ever told me!
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